Rewatchables Reference

• Bill's nominees: The plane scene into the driving puke montage (Angela Bassett as the flight attendant, Arnold watching his partner puke confused); Arnold's first day of school ('Shut up, shut up, shut up' + getting the ferret); Arnold plays 'Who's your daddy?' with the 'It's not a tumor' line; the milk nap scene; Arnold almost kills Pamela Reed's fiancé; Arnold beats up Zack's dad (child abuser); the principal's heart-tug speech; the big fire/shootout ending.
• Kyle picks Arnold's opening speech: 'I'm Mr. Kimble. I want them answered immediately.' Plus the tumor exchange and the 'who's your daddy' confessions. Also loves Arnold in the drug den with a shotgun: 'It feels a lot like Terminator 1 when Arnold goes into Tech Noir the club. Almost like note for note.'
• Winner (consensus): Arnold's first day of school. Bill: 'Arnold's first day just could have basically been its own movie.' The ferret has no name — 'This ferret has never named the ferret. It's just his pet ferret.' Kyle: 'First thing kids would do is name the pet.'

• Winner (Kyle): Crisp in silk clothes, a ponytail, smoking a cigarette, walking past a Brookstone store in the Great American Shopping Mall. 'Brookstone, funded almost exclusively by divorced dads who would pay $2500 for a massage chair in 1990 dollars. You'd go in there and just fuck around and try stuff. Brookstone in a blood Crip battle with Sharper Image. That was so 1990.'
• Bill: Giving little cartoons of milk to each kid with a straw. Whole milk. 'The milk was everywhere back then.'
• Bill also mentions: Arnold's pet ferret (had a brief moment before people realized they were just overgrown rats); the cars are very 1990, including a Geo Tracker; every single moment with Richard Tyson 'just feels like it could only have happened in 1990.'

• Bill: Astoria, OR — 'just seems like the happiest, nicest place you could ever raise a kid.' Jason Reitman as the boy caught kissing during the fire. Child abuse plots in 80s/90s movies as a plot device: 'Now I think we have a better handle on that, that it's bad.'
• Kyle: The poster design — just 'SCHWARZENEGGER' across the top, no first name needed. 'I miss when it was one name over the poster and just the last name. It's such a status symbol that they don't even put your first name.' Compares to the new Project Hail Mary poster that just says 'GOSLING.'
• Kyle: Ponytail villains — Crisp is way up there alongside Ben Kingsley in Sneakers, Julian Sands in Warlock, Samuel L. Jackson in Jackie Brown, and Terry Silver from Karate Kid 3 and Cobra Kai. 'They don't do that anymore.'

• Bill: The nightmare scene — Arnold falls asleep reading to the kids, then it cuts to the Crisp nightmare. 'It's a good zag 'cause you just think he fell asleep with the kid and then all of a sudden, Crisp.'
• Astoria itself as a cinematic location, continuing its run from The Goonies a few years earlier.

• Bill: The mother-son relationship between Crisp and his mother is 'abjectly bonkers.' Seems like sexual tension — she might be a sugar mama. He keeps kissing her. He calls her 'Mother.' Kyle: 'He thinks Crisp is still on the tit. They may sleep naked and cuddle each other.' Heavily Oedipal. Bill: 'I would believe any version of however you wanted to describe the relationship between these two people. But it's not mother and son.'
• Kyle: Pamela Reed's character — 'Very good actress, but I got enough of that character.' Too much eating and puking comedy. 'It's like 4 jokes too many.' She eats a plate of pasta right after having sex with fiancé Barry: 'That's not realistic.'
• Bill also flags: The Kathy Moriarty character — 'Wrong actress, wrong vibe. It just flips the movie into this crazy direction.' The scene where she's relieved her son is using dolls to look up girls' skirts instead of 'something else' is 'unfathomable.'

• Winner (Kyle): Rectal thermometers. 'You would come home and be like, mom, I don't feel so good, and she'd be like, grab your ankles and spread your cheeks. If you went into CVS today, do they still have rectal thermometers?' Bill: 'My interpretation was the rectal thermometer was to insinuate how evil this person was.'
• Kyle also: Climbing the rope in gym class — '30 some feet, touch the ceiling of a gymnasium, and they would have a 2-inch pad down on the floor in case you fell. They had kindergarteners doing it in this movie.'
• Bill: The big ending with an active shooter/arsonist in an elementary school. Playing 'Who's your daddy' in kindergarten. Having a pet ferret. The standalone sequel Kindergarten Cop Two (2016) starring Dolph Lundgren and Bill Bellamy — Kyle watched the trailer: 'A terrible use of 60 seconds.'
• Bill: The kid looking up girls' skirts for comedy, plus the mom being relieved. 'Everything about that probably aged the worst.' Sharing one hotel room in the middle of nowhere Oregon — 'Get 2 rooms.'

• Kyle (Team Crisp): 'This character just wants to be with his son. Fathers have rights. What is this alleged criminal past? He's not in prison.' Kimball won't even go get his own estranged son. Crisp's mom buys medicine, Crisp buys the kid a toy — they're looking out for the child. 'Crisp is actually the sympathetic figure. It's like a Johnny Lawrence Karate Kid thing where we need to look at this way differently.'
• Bill: This movie spawned 40 terrible rip-off versions. 'I would sacrifice this movie and have it never happened to save ourselves from the 40 terrible movies that came out after this. It's a little like a Doctor Oppenheimer thing.' Every version since has The Rock, John Cena, Jason Statham, or Vin Diesel and is 'really safe.'

• Bill Murray and Patrick Swayze were considered for the lead. Bill: 'Can't see him interacting with kids.' Swayze could have done it — a year and a half after Roadhouse, he had the unintentional comedy. Bill would lean more toward a late 90s Keanu Reeves if going outside the box.
• Ivan Reitman considered Danny DeVito — 'decided the height thing was going to be too weird.' Bill: 'A completely different movie. I'm also not against it.'
• Catherine O'Hara was considered for lead female role but was busy with Home Alone. Sandra Bullock auditioned for Joyce and 'failed to impress.' Elijah Wood didn't get a part — three years later he's in The Good Son.
• Christian Slater was considered for Crisp (Reitman liked him in Heathers) but turned it down for Pump Up the Volume. Audrey Hepburn was offered the Eleanor Crisp role but 'turned it down because she loves children.'

Richard Tyson (Crisp): Kyle: 'In his final scene with Dominic, he goes for the Academy Award. He's just pulling him in — you're my son. He's doing Streetcar Named Desire. He is going for it.' Bill compares him to a character from a Roadhouse/Van Damme movie who ended up in 'an elevated movie with good actors.'

• Winner: Thomas Rosales Jr. — 'The first guy Arnold punches in this movie.' Kyle: 'You're referring to the legendary Thomas Rosales Jr. who slaps a woman in the first few minutes of a PG-13 movie and is in everything. He's the driver in Heat — we're being held up on the radio. That guy's a legend.'
• Kyle also shouts out Steve Park (Mike Yanagita from Fargo) who appears in one scene looking over a dead body — 'totally straight, no Yanagita at all. I was off the couch Tom Cruise style when Yanagita showed up. I rewound him.'

• Bill: The girl with the overalls who can't get them off to go to the bathroom — 'She was in a different movie. Something really funny about that kid. I don't feel like any of that stuff was scripted. They probably brought her in and were like, wow, this girl is a wild card. Just keep the cameras rolling.'
• Kyle: The 'boys have a penis, girls have a vagina' kid (Miko Hughes) — 'Killer line, brought the house down in the theater.' He was Gage from Pet Sematary the year prior, 'like 3 years old slashing Achilles. That kid worked. I think he still works.'

• Director: Kyle suggests James Cameron — already worked with Arnold, T2 coming next. 'Let's get Jamie Lee as the other teacher. Let's up the production value and the violence.' Bill: Reitman is one of the four most proven directors for big-budget movies.
• Bill: The cast should have been bigger and more ambitious: Julia Roberts as the teacher on the run, Nicolas Cage as Crisp, Faye Dunaway or Shirley MacLaine or Ellen Burstyn as the mom. 'The big, egregious one: Kathleen Turner, can't you come in for two scenes? Just hit the corners. Just do your thing.'
• Prestige TV remake: Kyle suggests Alan Ritchson (Reacher) as Kimball, Paul Mescal or Barry Keoghan as Crisp. Bill zags: 'Can I offer you a little Travis Kelce?' Also floats Marshawn Lynch and Aaron Rodgers as Crisp.

• Filmed at the real John Jacob Astor Elementary School in Astoria, OR. The Goonies house is only 1.6 miles from the school.
• Arnold insisted on a private gym built on set for daily workouts. Bill: 'Days of Thunder was the best one — Simpson and Bruckheimer basically built an Equinox.'
• Stephen Root had five scenes cut from the movie. Bill: 'Yeah, I don't know. I know nothing other than that anecdote.'
• From Premiere magazine: Arnold said he'd been wanting to do a kids movie for 10 years — 'I would love to do a film where children are a very important part, something like Jon Voight did in The Champ.' Bill: 'Imagine Arnold in these meetings, one of the biggest stars in the world — what do you want to do next? I'd like to do something with children.'
• From Premiere magazine, the kids' reactions: Meta (age 6): 'Arnold is strange as a teacher. But I like him.' Jim (age 5): 'He picks his nose. I saw him pick his nose lots of times. I saw him eat like a pig once.' Jim still wants to grow up like Arnold 'because he can lift everyone up.'
• Arnold told crying kids on set: 'Real tough people don't cry. They fall on their knees, look at it, maybe tears come to their eyes, but then they swallow and say to hell with it.' Bill: 'He sounds like a psycho. There's no way now people are like, hey, the star upbraided my daughter.'
• Arnold was passionate about including the child abuse subplot — pushed the writers: 'This is an important topic.' Bill: 'That's the Arnold difference. Other action stars are like, how big's my trailer? Arnold's like, we really need to focus on the damages of divorce in the American household.'
• Penelope Ann Miller worked with Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Marlon Brando, and Arnold Schwarzenegger in a short period. IMDb 'known for': Carlito's Way, Kindergarten Cop, The Artist, The Freshman.
• Ivan Reitman's five rules of filmmaking for the kids: Listen, act natural, know your character, don't look in the camera, and be disciplined. April Fools' 2012: the Criterion Collection pranked everyone saying they were releasing Kindergarten Cop on Blu-ray. It's now actually on 4K Blu-ray.

• Arnold: Yes. Kyle: 'This is the height of Arnold. Total Recall and this silly nonsense in the same year, and the best movie he ever makes is coming next in T2.' Also deeply entrenched in the George H.W. Bush White House.
• Richard Tyson: Bill thinks it's Two Moon Junction — 'felt like he was going to be a big star after that.'
• Penelope Ann Miller: Worked with Pacino, De Niro, Brando, and Schwarzenegger. Bill: 'Small run for her here in the 90s.'
• Ivan Reitman: Probably Ghostbusters.
• Hybrid action-kids movies: Yes. Kyle: 'We get so many kids sports movies, but not with shooting and killing and shotgunning people.'
• Astoria: Yes.
• Tumors (in a fun way): Yes. Kyle: 'Arnold took possession of the word tumor. When you hear that word, you think of Arnold.' Bill: It lived on through Amani Toomer's career with the Giants — Chris Berman calling him 'Amani, It's Not a Toomer.'
• Brookstone: Yes. Bill adds When Harry Met Sally featured it the year before.
• Ferrets: Bill: 'Strong yes. Ferrets had a moment of about a year and a half before people realized they were just overgrown rats.' Also The Big Lebowski ('nice marmot').

Bill: 'Clearly Spielberg. Too easy.' Kyle: 'The Scorsese would just have so many drugs. Kimball would be strung out 'cause his family's not around and he wants to get revenge.'

• Kyle: Crisp and Kimball should have fought at the end instead of the gunshot ending. 'Standard operating procedure for these movies.' Could have had a big brawl in the shower room with water from broken pipes. 'Why don't — that's standard operating procedure for these movies?'
• Bill: Why do they need the undercover sting operation in Astoria? 'Why not just have the FBI tail Crisp?' John Kimball is 'reasonably valuable as a police officer.'
• Bill: What kind of food poisoning did Phoebe have? 'Was this the first COVID case?' She's out for a week and a half. Kyle: 'Just take some Metamucil and then go teach the school.'
• Bill: Arnold fire drill loses Dominic immediately. 'You have one job — just keep Dominic near you.' Gets shot by two different characters, has to be saved by his partner who miraculously wakes up. 'An abomination of a job.'
• Bill: What happened to Arnold's old family? He has a son named Alex, mentions reading him a book, but has zero contact. Kyle: 'Why are you so obsessed with Dominic? You have your own kid. What is this?'
• Bill: Pamela Reed is the poor man's Laurie Metcalf — 'You could have switched them in every role in the 90s.' Laurie Metcalf is in Internal Affairs the same year.

Bill: 'I can't say I wouldn't watch the first episode of a prestige remake.' Kyle suggests Alan Ritchson (Reacher) as Kimball with Paul Mescal or Barry Keoghan as Crisp. Bill counters with Travis Kelce or Marshawn Lynch.

Kyle does a Gus Johnson impression calling the final showdown: 'Dominic Chris Young fella, ha ha. His old man's got a gun to his head in the shower room. Ferret comes out of the sweater.' Bill: 'Hey, Mr. Kimble blows away Chris. I love you, Gus. I love you, brother.' Bill: 'That always kills you. Every time you do that, it kills your throat.' Kyle: 'Six months off my life.'

Kyle: Hair and makeup for Kimball's beard and Crisp's ponytail. 'That's the people.'

• Kyle: The kid who plays with dolls is named 'Sylvester' — during the Stallone-Schwarzenegger feud when they're taking shots at each other. 'Do you not think that Arnold is like, the one who plays with dolls? Let's call him Sylvester. That's not a normal name. Is that not a veiled shot?'
• Bill: What happened to the old kindergarten teacher whose job Arnold took? She had tenure. She was gone for four weeks. Comes back, John Kimball shows up again with a cane, kids go nuts. 'She's just working at the hardware store the next day.'
• Bill: Is this a better movie if Arnold gets shot by the lady and actually dies? They play out the funeral scenario — most emotional funeral scene, John Kimball Library named in his honor, Boys II Men's 'End of the Road.'

• Bill: Something from Astoria Elementary — hat, T-shirt.
• Kyle: A full head-to-toe Crisp outfit for Halloween. 'Imagine the one person who would get it: Are you fucking Crisp? And I'd be like, yeah, man, I'm Crisp. Look at the ponytail.' Needs the David Byrne suit, a ponytail wig, and a bad tan.

• Bill: 'Kindergarten teachers still matter. They can make a huge difference in lives.'
• Kyle: 'You're married, you're allowed to dress like slobs.' The moms say it because it's 'definitely true, and the athleisure revolution has enabled all of us married people to just dress like pigs half the time.'

• Bill (winner): Total Recall — 'Let's just show peak of the powers 1990 Arnold.' Same actor doing the eye-bulging face in both movies.
• Kyle: Home Alone — 'They were running the world. It was all about kids, then it's Arnold.' But agrees Total Recall is a better choice — same actor, same year, wildly different movies.

Both: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kyle: 'Arnold Schwarzenegger twice in one year, dude.'

• Craig watched with wife Liz. 'Easy watch. Shared a lot of eye rolls after Arnold's cheesy lines, but by the end you're kind of sold on the whole thing and come away feeling good.'
• Craig: Arnold in this is like 'Bill Laimbeer in the 90s or Roy Hibbert in the early 2010s — just perfect for the era. No chance this works now at all. 90s movies just have a charming obliviousness to them.' The closest modern equivalent is The Rock or Ryan Reynolds.
• Craig on Richard Tyson: 'Who the hell is this man and what is going on? An unexplored relationship with his mother.' Eligible to replace Judd Nelson for the 'actor doing his own movie' award. But gives 10/10 to the hair and makeup department for the greasy ponytail.
• Craig's favorite line: Arnold meets Pam Reed — 'So where are you from?' 'Austria.' No follow-up, they keep moving. 'Still don't really understand why Richard Tyson needed his son so badly. He's willing to blow up a school for it. But that's not what this movie's about — it's about watching Arnold say Tumer with a bunch of kindergarteners.'