October 02, 2023

'Toy Soldiers'

The Ringer's Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt sneak down to the basement for a shot of mouthwash before rewatching the 1991 action film 'Toy Soldiers,' starring Sean Astin, Wil Wheaton, and Louis Gossett Jr.

Movie poster

Cast

Sean Astin as Billy Tepper

Wil Wheaton as Joey Trotta

Louis Gossett Jr. as The Dean

Denholm Elliott as Teacher

Directed by: Daniel Petrie Jr.

Written by: Daniel Petrie Jr., David Koepp

Categories

Roger Ebert's review

Quote from Rog's review:

Since the plot of the movie is utterly predictable, we hope at least for some cleverness in the gimmicks. The movie is so disappointing that I wonder if the screenwriters were really trying.

Might be the first one-star movie they've done on The Rewatchables.

Most re-watchable scene
  • The mouthwash basement party – 4 parts 100-proof vodka, 2 parts peppermint schnapps, 1 part creme de menthe.
  • The roll call scene – Luis Cali reading off the kids' parents' jobs, Joey Trotta vs. Cali.
  • Joey Trotta's death scene – 'Fuck my father. And fuck you.' Then immediately gets shot.
  • Billy escaping – timing the guards, running, the suspense of getting back before the count.
What aged the best?
  • Opening in Barranquilla, Colombia – judge thrown from helicopter.
  • 'They will explode' line delivery from the villain.
  • Wil Wheaton's accent, earring (ankh), and general demeanor.
  • The score – compared to John Williams / Indiana Jones, 'kind of incredible.'
  • Phone sex lines as a period artifact.
Most cinematic shot
  • The ending group hug helicopter shot.
  • The judge being thrown from the helicopter in the opening.
Weak link of the movie

The microchip swap plot device – the paper airplane chip and the terrorist remote control chip being interchangeable. Confusing in 1991, more confusing in 2023.

What aged the worst?
  • No internet, no cell phones – completely different movie in 2023.
  • Only two female characters in the entire movie: one pushed off a balcony, the other a phone sex operator.
  • Tone among students – no real terror, kids kicking hacky sacks during a hostage crisis. Post-school-shooting era makes this feel unrealistic.
  • Jerry Orbach being uncredited – bizarre.
The hottest take award
  • Bill: Wishes there had been a sequel at a girls' boarding school in ~1994 – 'perfect Reese Witherspoon range, maybe early Sarah Michelle Gellar.'
  • Kyle: Sean Astin's hairstyle is exactly Martin Riggs ('Lethal Weapon'), and Luis Cali's hairstyle is exactly Steven Seagal.
Casting what-ifs
  • John Schlesinger was supposed to direct but dropped out for Pacific Heights.
  • Corey Feldman auditioned but 'was not in the right place.'
  • Lillo Brancato (the Bronx Tale kid) would have been perfect for Joey Trotta.
Over-acting award

Luis Cali (Andrew Divoff) – the screaming, coming unhinged at the end, the 'noodle gunshot' to the head.

Best "that guy"

Michael Champion – also in 'Total Recall' running around with Ironside, 'playing basically the same role.'

Best "heat check" performance

Jerry Orbach – shows up uncredited for a nothing part as Albert Trotter, the mob boss. 'You're kind of intoxicated because he's famous.'

Re-casting couch
  • Leonardo DiCaprio as Yogurt (~15 at the time).
  • Lillo Brancato as Joey Trotta.
  • For the villain: Steven Bauer or Jimmy Smits.
Half-assed (internet) research
  • Budget $10 million, grossed $15 million.
  • Based on a 1988 novel by William P. Kennedy.
  • Billy eating a banana and throwing the pill in the trash was improvised.
  • Wil Wheaton prepared by renting all the Godfather movies. Was told to do a New York accent by the director.
  • Keith Coogan had success with Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead but a billing dispute derailed his career.
  • Body count: 18.
Apex Mountain
  • Boarding school hostage movies – yes.
  • Throwing judges out of helicopters – yes.
Picking nits
  • Moving the Dean's entire office furniture into the quad – that's hours of work.
  • The cigarette burning long enough to ignite matches under a fire alarm – impossible.
  • Kids can tap into a phone line but nobody thinks to communicate with the outside world.
  • Terrorists brought no clothes – Champion wearing the same vest for ~4 days.
Sequel, prequel, prestige TV or untouchable?
  • A 10-episode Hulu series like Prison Break. Could be Cali's son avenging his father's death.
  • Jason Blum rumors about a potential sequel.
Just one Oscar, who gets it?

Sean Astin for the lead role.

What memorabilia would you want (or not want!) from the movie?
  • Wil Wheaton's ankh earring.
  • The model airplane.
Best (or worst!) life lessons from the movie
  • Don't try a New York Italian accent if your name is Wil Wheaton.
  • The most enterprising kid in school might not have the best grades but he's the one who saves everyone during a terrorist attack.
Best double feature for this movie

Iron Eagle – double Gossett.

Who won the movie?

Sean Astin – runaway. Does 'Rudy' two years later, eventually Lord of the Rings.

Producer review

Craig Horlbeck: had never heard of the movie. Was shocked by Ebert's one-star review. 'Couldn't believe how much this movie grew on me.' Loved the premise – people trapped in one location is the best movie format.