August 22, 2023

'Cruel Intentions'

The Ringer's Bill Simmons, Juliet Litman, and Amanda Dobbins take a ride to the Upper East Side in their 1956 Jaguar Roadster to rewatch the 1999 thriller 'Cruel Intentions,' starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, Reese Witherspoon, and Selma Blair.

Movie poster

Cast

Sarah Michelle Gellar as Catherine Merteuil

Ryan Phillippe as Sebastian Valmont

Reese Witherspoon as Annette Hargrove

Selma Blair as Cecile Caldwell

Sean Patrick Thomas as Ronald Clifford

Josh Jackson as Blaine Tuttle

Christine Baranski as Mrs. Caldwell

Swoosie Kurtz as Dr. Greenbaum

Directed by: Roger Kumble

Written by: Roger Kumble

Notes

  • Budget: ~$10 million. Box office: $76 million. Spawned two sequels.
  • Originally titled 'Cruel Inventions' – test audiences thought it sounded like sci-fi.
  • Based on Les Liaisons Dangereuses (the French novel) and the 1988 film Dangerous Liaisons.
  • Bitter Sweet Symphony cost close to $1 million (10% of budget); they tried 200 other songs first.
  • The breakup scene where Reese hits Ryan was unscripted; his reaction was genuine and he threw up behind the set after.
  • Originally taped for the 'Rewatchables 1999' series on Luminary and re-aired on the main feed in 2023.
  • Bill's 'Reese-Ryan Rule': when a celebrity couple starts at the same level and one ascends far past the other, the relationship can't last.

Categories

Most re-watchable scene
  • Sebastian and Catherine making the bet – 'You can put it anywhere.' 'You got yourself a bet, baby.'
  • The breakup scene – Sebastian tells Annette 'You mean nothing to me,' Reese hits Ryan for real.
  • Bill: The ending/last five minutes – the headmaster opening the cocaine cross, Reese driving Sebastian's car, Bitter Sweet Symphony playing. 'Transcendent.'
  • The Colorblind/Counting Crows escalator scene at Penn Station.
The most 1999 thing about this movie
  • Winner: Sebastian saying 'Email is for geeks and pedophiles' – 'That could only have been said in 1999.'
  • Runner-up: The Counting Crows being involved in the pivotal virginity scene.
  • Sebastian's expensive and big cell phone, 17 Magazine as a plot point.
What aged the best?
  • The soundtrack – Every You Every Me (Placebo), Praise You (Fatboy Slim), Coffee and TV (Blur), Colorblind (Counting Crows), Bitter Sweet Symphony (The Verve). All three picked this.
  • Sebastian's car – 1956 Jaguar XK 140 Roadster.
  • 'Cecile, this is what I like to call quiet time.'
  • The Coke cross slow motion at the end.
  • The New York locations – 79th and Central Park West.
What aged the worst?
  • The homophobia – Josh Jackson's gay character Blaine is rough.
  • The opening scene: Sebastian internet-shaming/revenge-porning his therapist's daughter – 'definitely illegal, probably prosecuted' now.
Roger Ebert's review

Quote from Rog's review:

It was smart and merciless in the tradition of the original story.
Casting what-ifs
  • Katie Holmes was wanted for Annette; Kumble 'didn't think she had enough strength of character.'
  • Brittany Murphy was wanted for the Selma Blair part.
  • Reese was not originally attached; Kumble got on his knees and begged her at dinner.
  • Christine Baranski took the role because her daughters were Buffy fans.
Best "heat check" performance

Bill: Christine Baranski as the racist Upper East Side mom – 'Don't get me into that racist crap, my husband and I gave money to Colin Powell.'

Over-acting award

Selma Blair – her 'secret society dance' after learning about orgasms. 2-1 vote that she overacted (Bill and Amanda vs. Juliet).

Best "that guy"

Bill: Swoosie Kurtz as the therapist – 'She's been in everything. Sisters is my favorite show.'

Half-assed (internet) research
  • Originally titled 'Cruel Inventions.'
  • The Gellar/Blair kiss won Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards.
  • Selma Blair's red hoodie was meant to invoke Little Red Riding Hood.
  • NBC almost did a 2015 TV pilot with Sebastian and Catherine's son; Sarah Michelle Gellar had a deal to reprise her role.
  • Bitter Sweet Symphony cost close to $1 million; they tried 200 other songs first.
  • Billy Corgan turned them down for 'To Sheila' for the escalator scene – 'he's always the worst at all times.'
Apex Mountain
  • Ryan Phillippe – yes. 'You would have said after this movie he was going to headline some movies. And he did. They just weren't good movies.'
  • Sarah Michelle Gellar – yes. 1999: Buffy at its peak, SNL hosting, and this movie.
  • Cocaine crosses – 'Never seen a better use of a cocaine cross.'
  • Reese Witherspoon – no.
  • Counting Crows – no.
The hottest take award

Bill argues Sebastian may have been 'our first antihero' – predating Tony Soprano (The Sopranos premiered the same year).

Picking nits
  • Where are the parents? Sebastian and Catherine's parents are absent.
  • The Penn Station escalator scene logistics don't work.
  • The car accident/death scene is badly staged.
(Probably) unanswerable questions
  • Would Annette really remember Sebastian fondly given the bet for her virginity?
  • Was Sebastian secretly going to be gay?
Sequel, prequel, prestige TV or untouchable?

Could work as a 10-episode Netflix show – 'the meme potential is out of control.'

Who won the movie?

Sarah Michelle Gellar – unanimous. 'She's the only person where she's making the script work for her rather than the other way around.'